When it begun

I started my art journey around 2.5 years ago. I don’t know how to keep myself consistent. YT is eating my time and I feel more and more like a failure. Every good artist keeps saying the same thing: draw every day, draw every time you can. They just do it constantly. And I am not like that. I didn’t know that at the time, but its was art burnout.

I have no clue if I really like to draw/paint or I just like the idea of me being an artist. So mamy braking points later. I was thinking about quitting art all together so many times. My brain does not want me to quit because I put so much time in persisting myself as an artist that I don’t feel any way back. Maybe I need a brake, maybe being an artist is not for me, what being an artist event mean. Maybe you dear reader feel similar. I have a hard time to motivate myself but at the same time thoughts of quitting are even worse.

ADHD vs Art burnout

Over year ago I discover that i have ADHD. It was creeping on me for a while. Every time when I open Instagram some ADHD related content was shown to me. I have seen so many overlaps with myself persolanl behaviers, that I decide to take a test. So I did, pshologist was asking questions takaing notes. After 3 hours conclusion was obvies to her. I have it, 10/10 perfect much to be considered neurodivergent. At first it was strange, but somehow freeing. For a brief moment I found solution to all my problems, or at least a explenation. But there was a lot od duality in my mental condition. Part of me feeling good, but on revers side much more gloomy. A lot od questions was left without an answers.

What does it realy mean ?

Will this end with paharmacudical treaotment?

If I start treatment, and my symptoms will end, who I will become?

Does time heals

Times go by and this exitment slowly but shurly starter to disapire. Last question realy stuck with me. A lot of symptoms of my neurodivergent spectrum felt a lot like my identity. It was hard to wrap my head around idea, that i will shot my brain with pils. A specialy knowing that those pils for ADHD have very strong ingredient in it. If ADHD is responsible for my constant stream of thoughts in my head, then medicine will stop this. So does it mean that 30 years of my life i was sick? Should I consider my life a lie?

I hope not. But something else was on the horizon. At that time i didn’t know but there was much deeper underlining problem, I went to psychiatrist and … He said that my ADHD is not much appreciated by doctors. He read my diagnosis and after some talking said that it is depression and we need to addreess it first, before we can talk about what’s left from ADHD. It’s been 6 months now depression want away but neurodivergenty start to feel stronger… For now I guess I have to wait.

Retrit artistic meditation

I have taken my time lately. Exploration of art meditation made it possible to look into my art hobby through different lens’s. I don’t feel nearly that demotivated. Art meditation is a great topic to explore one day but not now. I came to one big realization, from my recent mindful creative endeavors, that I love filling pages.

From that perspective I understand why the design part was not the most fun to me. And that it can be understandable to feel satisfaction from long sessions on filling a page. My idea that I have to be a state of the art designer or illustrator was hard to bear. Especially after a design part, a long time of just filing all the gaps, shading when I can turn off my mind felt good. It makes me feel calm, in the flow state. But at the same time, in the back of my mind, my brain was talking to me.

Inside my brain

“It is boring and a waste of time. You should throw this one away and bring a new grand idea on to the table. The next one will be great, this one, you see it’s mediocre. Leave current project chase next, I promise it is worth it”

Hype rushed in. Endorphins fild my body. New Project formed And of course what I did? Yes I quit. Or rush to the end. Just to start next. And Guess what, when I got to the same point in my fresh and shiny project, dust had settled. And I found myself in the same old place and state of mind. The art burnout

Again… And every now and then,a darker side of my consciousness takes the place of excitement. Disappointments, self doubt, regret. But everything has its origin somewhere else.

Conclusion

Maybe the truth is that there’s no single answer — no perfect balance between discipline and inspiration, between art and rest, between who I am and who I think I should be.I used to believe that consistency defined an artist. That real artists wake up inspired every day and never lose focus. But maybe art isn’t about perfection or productivity. Maybe it’s about coming back — again and again — even when it’s hard, even when it feels pointless.

ADHD, depression, doubt — they all shape the way I see the world. And maybe that’s not a flaw, but a perspective. The noise in my head, the restlessness in my hands — they’re part of the same energy that drives me to create.I don’t know where this road leads, and I don’t have to. For now, I’ll keep showing up. I’ll keep filling pages, even if no one sees them. Because every mark I make — messy, quiet, imperfect — is still mine.

And maybe that’s enught

Thanks for reading, and check out my Instagram: vitzz

Title photo by Tijs van Leur on Unsplash